It’s ‘hard work’ giving speeches, waving at people, reducing and restoring interest rates…

Please don’t raise the subject of the pandemic and vaccines. I and my entire cabinet will be hard at work for one more month doing what we do best

It’s ‘hard work’ giving speeches, waving at people, reducing and restoring interest rates…
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Ranjona Banerji

Dear Diary. Sorry, I haven’t written to you for a while. As you can imagine I have been very busy.

After all, to have five states going to election at one time is very exhausting, especially when you know the amount of work expected of me. I have been trying to convince them to have just one election with just one candidate which will substantially reduce the pressure put on me but they are so unreasonable. Of course, I am working on them. I have huge powers of persuasion as you know. Their short forms are ED, CBI, NIA and so on. Extremely effective when in the right hands. I mean mine of course, ha ha ha.

But it’s really unfair, the amount of pressure put on me. I know that I am superhuman and all that but come on! You know the sort of work expected of me. Which ordinary person could take this on: non-stop campaign trail, innumerable fantastic speeches, a variety of languages spoken, new names for all my good friends who won’t mind how nasty I am about them. Surely, they won’t. I am so clever after all. Everyone says I’m the best speech maker in human history.

It is unfair to say that I only make election speeches. I make 8 pm speeches on TV. I make monthly speeches on the radio. I make speeches to children about exams. I make speeches to push the sales on my books about exams. I give speeches to experts about things that they might be experts about but where I know far more than them. Like radar, the environment, women’s dieting habits, climate change, the economy, investment, mathematics, foreign relations and mathematics which is a new research subject that I have founded, medicine, stem cell research, surgery, virus vaccines, ancient India, imaginary ancient India… In fact, there is no limit to what I know. Name a subject. I can prove it.

Pressure.

There’s the wave pressure. Wave at everything they say. Crowds, no crowds, tunnels, waves, dams, waves, people, no people, mountains, rivers, just keep waving. My 56-inch chest has been a bit overdone. I might have to boast about my massive upper arms. Oh, someone already did that after I got my first Covid vaccine. I should really capitalise on that. I’ve really done no proper campaign since feeding those peacocks.

On top of this, I hear some disquieting murmurs. About my not doing enough work. I don’t know what they expect. I told the Union Finance Minister to cut interest rates in small savings schemes. She did it. Then I told her to roll back the cut. She did it The obedience is commendable. But that’s not important. Let’s not get distracted. The important thing is: How many people are capable of doing such contradictory things with such aplomb?

Or look at the Union Defence Minister? He’s an old hand. See how he manages to uphold everything I say no matter whether people understand or not? That country entered our territory. It did not. It entered. It did not. It hurt us. It did not. We are the best. We finished them. We demolished other countries. He repeats everything.

I’m torn between him and the External Affair Minister for the most praise. I think it’s the EAM because he is perfect at saying things that don’t make sense. Whoever recommended these bureaucrats is brilliant. It must have been me.

You might think that the Railways chappie is the greatest because he has the knack of saying the opposite of the truth down to a fine art. Indian trains are the best. No one has ever died in a train accident because there are no train accidents. There is no such thing as privatisation and so on. However, I must be careful because his knowledge of science is almost as good as mine – all that stuff of Einstein not using maths to discover gravity. Wish I had thought of that.

My deputy, what can I say about him?

Extreme caution needed actually but I do so love it when he compares me to divine beings. My halo grows faster than my beard.

I don’t have much more time for you Dear Diary.

What? The virus? Don’t annoy me now. I have more places to visit and more waving to do. Yes, yes, I’ll organise a virus event soon. After plate and pan crashing, some more ideas are welcome for this second wave. I hope it doesn’t wave better than I can.

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