Reality Bites: Can we bang plates and pans and say, “Go China, go!”  

As I write this, Chinese troops continue to make themselves at home in India, cheerfully digging trenches like kids on a seaside holiday, preparing cosy bunkers and sending wish you-were-here postcards to their families back in China.

They appear to be so comfortable that I wouldn’t be surprised if they already have a large collection of take away menus from eateries in the neighbourhood. I hope it doesn’t reach the stage where we get to see their restaurant ratings and feedback online. I have no idea what steps India is taking to evict these Chinese troops, and why they’re taking so long to do something about it.

Taking a tip from most mainstream media editors, columnists and other invertebrates in India these days, I will now proceed to staunchly defend the Supreme Leader, but blame everyone and his dog/cow around him. See, there is proof that the Supreme Leader has been thinking deeply about China—take the controversial Central Vista project, for example. He has been dreaming about Kubla Khan’s China and his grand summer capital Xanadu for years.

I’m not surprised that the Supreme Leader has finally decreed “a stately pleasure dome” for himself in Delhi. The COVID-19 crisis hasn’t deterred him one bit—in fact, he’s hiding behind the lockdown and issuing hasty clearances for this ridiculously expensive and unnecessary project.

According to a report that recently appeared in a weekly magazine, “An expert appraisal committee (EAC) of the environment ministry, and the Central Vista Committee (CVC) chaired by the Central Public Works Department (CPWD), by turn issued key approvals for work to begin on the construction...”. No wonder the Supreme Leader ordered construction to be allowed during the lockdown. The old dear thinks of just about everything—for himself.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the BJP government’s unofficial Poet Laureate, Prasoon Joshi, is already composing a poem for the day our desi Kubla Khan cuts the saffron ribbon. I would advise him not to waste his time and just translate ST Coleridge’s marvellous poem ‘Xanadu’ into Hindi. He must feel free to resort to poetic licence and call it Zandu (as in Zandu balm) instead, because that’s how most Indians, including the Supreme Leader, will pronounce it anyway.

Poetry brings me to nursery rhymes which bring me to Union Railway Minister Piyush Goyal, who is behaving like irresponsible Little Bo Peep who fell asleep and lost her sheep. I don’t recall how many sheep Little Bo Peep lost, but Goyal has lost forty Shramik trains so far—or rather, these trains have lost their way. He also evidently lost the food and water meant for the passengers (desperate migrants on their way home) and sadly, some eighty people have died on-board of hunger, heat, exhaustion or disease so far.

Goyal has brazened it out as usual and said that these trains were not lost but diverted. Social media has scoffed at such rubbish and his feeble excuses and pointed out a shining example of his incompetence: how did a train that left Surat (Gujarat) for Chapra (Bihar) land up in Bangalore (Karnataka)? It took nine long days for these passengers to finally get home—let that sink in!

Hardnews editor Sanjay Kapoor hit the nail on the head rather hard when he said, “Railways’ explanation for trains losing their way is that they were ‘rationalising’ routes so that they move without interruption - even when they take time. This is balderdash. Rationalisation is for goods trains where they can get delayed, but not meant for passenger trains.” Frankly, the only excuse I would accept from Goyal is that he lost 40 trains because he’s lost all his marbles.

I’m not leaving it to the unofficial Poet Laureate to rehash Little Bo Peep for Goyal when the BJP leadership gives him a national award for his incompetence (I’m sure you’ve noticed that stupidity and callousness are qualities his party values highly). Here, I’ve done it myself:

“Wddle Pi Go has lost his choo-choos
And doesn’t know where to find them
He left them alone to tweet on his phone,
And topple the government of Maharashtra.”

I truly am worried.
Can a government that loses large trains also lose bits of the country?
I fervently hope we’re not ordered to bang plates in our balconies and shout “Go China, go” soon