Reality Bites: Heartache Din with Supine Tata and Assish Salve

The International Monetary Fund’s latest World Economic Outlook report has given the BJP exactly what the BJP gave us for six unbearably painful years: Heartache Din.

While India’s PM was prancing with peacocks, trying out hats and experimenting with new styles for his beard, Bangladesh stole a march over us in per capita GDP. This is gasp-worthy because according to news reports, India had a 40% lead over Bangladesh five years ago.

Thanks to a series of astounding master strokes by the visionary leader since demonetisation in 2016 to the draconian Covid-19 lockdown in 2020, India is now one of the poorest countries in South Asia—Bangladesh, Bhutan, Sri Lanka and Maldives are well ahead of us. Time for a giggle break: remember when the leader grandly invited South Asian leaders to his “coronation” in 2014 and preened over them like the show-offy Lord of Tartary?

To be fair to him, I’m sure India put up a good fight. Not on the economy of course (too much brain-work involved) but on the numbers given by the IMF. For that, we have Surjit Bhalla, India’s Executive Director at the IMF (“handpicked by the leader to defend his bunch of invertebrates). I can visualise him arguing with the IMF’s Chief Economist Gita Gopinath to change India’s horrible report card, and calling her anti-Hindu. Just as well Gopinath is not an Indian citizen because he may have called her anti-national too.

I suspect she gave in a bit because our report card has a glimmer of hope for 2021, where our per capita GDP is expected to grow. Going by the BJP’s unwavering track record in incompetence and the leader’s habit of dipping into our coffers to splurge on expensive toys for himself, I doubt that will happen.

While this certainly has a negative impact on India’s image internationally, it doesn’t make a difference in India itself.

Vedic Maths has once again come to the rescue of the Finance Minister —she has been bombarding us with mysterious figures to prove the IMF wrong, and the faithful are dutifully quoting her. Besides, as filmmaker Veena Bakshi said on Twitter, “India’s GDP predicted to slip to 10.3% ... even below Bangladesh! But Wot Me Worry! Our PM has bigger and fancier aircrafts than theirs!!!”

However, propaganda and lies won’t make dissenters shut up, so the ruling party’s weapons of “mass distraction” (Gobknob Asswami of Repulsive TV and Bhumika Bimar of Crimes Now) will be far more bilious than usual on prime time. Which reminds me, Asswami has the Supreme Court on speed dial these days because of multiple cases against him (defamation and TRP rigging). Not that he has anything to worry about: prize asses/assets are always defended by other prize asses/assets like Assish Salve, the popular salve for wounded Sanghis.

I’m just surprised that no one has called out Asswami’s hypocrisy yet— remember all those shouty self-righteous shows he used to do on disgusting VIP culture? Now that he’s an honorary VIP himself, he’s rather enjoying the perks. The government doesn’t even have to give him a siren for his car, because his foghorn voice is so alarming, it can wake the dead.

If only the friends of the ruling party would stop harassing the Supreme Court. Perhaps then the judges would have the luxury of time to use their initiative. The Indian Constitution which guarantees us equal rights is being mauled every day. Take the Governor of Maharashtra, for instance. He accused the Chief Minister of being secular, like it’s something to be deeply ashamed of—don’t you think he needs a sharp reminder of the Constitution? Then there’s that Tanishq ad that promoted harmonious inter-faith relationships—it was attacked by followers of the visionary leader.

When the Tata Group meekly pulled out the ad after the trolling and threats, I felt betrayed. It’s no secret that they are the party’s biggest donors. Supine Tata could easily have dialled Nagpur or Delhi—he calls them often enough anyway to sing the crony capitalist anthem: “Hello, is it me you’re looking for?” What exactly stopped him from saying “Tell your boys to back off ?” The nation really, truly wants to know!

(Any resemblance with real people and events is a coincidence)