‘London Confidential’, meant to be an espionage thriller, is an unmitigated disaster

The most honest line in this weird and intentionally hilarious London mock-tale comes from Mohan Kapur who barks on the internet, “This is a bloody unmitigated disaster.”

Indeed! There is no other way to describe ‘London Confidential’ than an unmitigated disaster. It is the funniest comedy of the year when it’s meant to be an espionage thriller. I was excited to see the well-know crime author F Hussain Zaidi’s name in the credits. But after seeing how the film has turned out Zaidi must be seriously considering suing the makers.

I don’t know about Zaidi. But I am. At least I should report this tortuous unintelligible trash to the SPCA, the Society to Prevent Cruelty to Audience. What could be more tortuous than to see Mouni Roy as a pregnant Indian intelligence officer investigating an imminent Chinese virus attack in London.

No no not THAT virus, a new one. The Chinese are apparently harvesting a chain of viruses, one after another. And it is up to our “intelligence” officers (trapped in a tale severely devoid of a shred of intelligence) Arjun (Purab Kohli) and Uma (Mouni Roy) to track down the culprits before it is too late.

There are Chinese characters roaming around London. I’ve no clue ….who’s who…or Hu is Hui, as it happens to be.

The dialogues, except the great prophetic line by Mohan Kapur quoted earlier, all sound like they are saying something important about national security and how the Chinese need to be watched carefully.

“Maine Wong ko warn kiya tha,” is one of the gems. The Chinese cast looks uneasy, as though they took on the job to earn a few extra bucks. But the best performance comes from Purab Kohli’s manbun. Kohli himself seems supremely disinterested in the goings-on,as though he gave up trying to make sense of the script. Mouni Roy looks like she never even tried.

There is an Indian commissioner (Kulraj Randhawa, the only member of the cast who actually looks involved) whose husband is cheating on her, a High Commission employee honey-trapped in a gay relationship, and yes, Mouni Roy’s husband on video conference played by Sharad Kelkar who keeps telling his wife to look after herself.

She is okay. But who will look after the audience trapped into watching a film that must have made sense at some point of time? At the moment London Confidential is, in Mohan Kapur’s words, an unmitigated disaster.