Moni Mohsin to ‘dye hards’ in Pakistan & India: What’s going on Bhai?
This imaginary monologue of a Pakistani socialite takes a dig at ‘dye hards’ on both sides of the border. Spellings conform to the English pronunciation in this part of the world
What’s going on Bhai?
Bethaybithai everyone’s gone rabbit, screaming themselves horse over this India Pakistan tamasha.
Indian TV anchors are going historical, screaming kay we’ll kill you just now only and our dye-hards are shrieking kay just try and see, we’ll break your faces.
Vaisay, between you, me and the four walls, I tau don’t even understand what’s happening.
Apparently, a suicider that they say we created has gone and killed their jawans and they’ve replied by sending their fighter cock jets into our side of the boarder where their pilots have dropped their bums.
And they’re saying that they’ve destroyed a terrorist camp and killed 300 people but we are saying don’t lie ji, you might have crept into our ear space and dropped your bums, but all you did was martyr three hundred trees.
And then we are saying kay actually we shot your plane down and took your pilot off stage and they are saying ‘Sub jhoot. It’s fake news.’
And we are putting up pictures of a hurt man drinking chai and saying ‘then who is this, haan?’ And bloody battles are being raged on Twitter and Facebook between their side and ours, with threats flying sick and fast and them screaming ‘you shut up’ and we yelling ‘you shut up’ and anyone who says kay please calm down and war is not nice is being labelled a darpoke and a traitor and a fifth communist…
…And just like that suddenly we are on the blink of nuclear war and flights shights have been grounded and Mummy’s opened her basement and had khaanapeena put so that we can hide there in case the Indians drop bums on Lahore…
And Aunty Pussy has packed all her ‘hairloom’ jewellery into her vanity case in case war breaks out and there is looting shooting and so at least she can die defending her jewellery.
Have I gone mad or has everyone else gone mad?
Just yesterday it seems I was sitting at Sunny’s and planning how we’ll meet our Indian friends in London in the summers and how we’ll all go to Paris together to do some shopping in Shaan’s Alizeh.
And now this. How did we get here? At this rate, will we have any Indian friends left or will any of us even be alive in the summers?
(Moni Mohsin is a Pakistani writer based in London. Her column ‘Diary of a Social Butterfly’ is published in The Friday Times. Reproduced with her permission here is her latest column)