Anyone who does not worship Narendra Modi is an anti-national

How do you identify an anti-national? Hah, you say to yourself, it’s easy! Anyone who is not a Narendra Modi worshipper, anyone who doesn’t ooh and aah at Ajay Singh Bisht’s love for cows and everyone who is against the Citizenship Amendment Act. If you are a patriotic Uber driver, you can even choose your clients this way. Anti-CAA=Straight to police station.

But this is taking the easy way out. The ways of being and finding anti-nationals are far more subtle than that. So I did a SWAT analysis on myself. Recognize them by the clothes they wear, or something like that said the Prime Minister of India in one of his fascist enlightening speeches about how to identify anti-nationals. He’s already told us they hang around in “Lutyens, Delhi”, where he himself lives, so go figure and they also visit Khan Market. But where does one find anti-nationals outside of the national capital region?

This trait I have inherited from my grandmother to my mother so yeah, I’m passing the buck. Kaftans. Day and night. That’s what I wear when I’m at home. Unless I’m forced to leave the house. My grandmother eventually only wore kaftans wherever she went, and then, so did my mother. I have a few years until I succumb to genetics. Kaftans. Origin is Western Asia! Eeks. Recognize me by my clothes. Western Asia. Work it out! Anti-national!

If not, I wear jeans. Foreign=Not Indian Unless you’re a BJP NRI of course. If not jeans, I wear saris. Oh, you might think, she’s ducking out. Claiming to be patriotic and all with a sari. But these saris are paired with sleeveless blouses. Sleeveless! When PM Modi was CM Modi, part of his “Gujarat model” was to ensure that “sleeveless” was banned from government offices. I blame that grandmother for my behaviour. The same one.

Then there’s Bad Food. Biryani every BJP leader tells us is fully anti-N. And now Kailash Vijayavarghiya who is some big shot in the BJP adds poha to the list. Please don’t think I’m trying to undermine Modi and Amit Shah by calling Vijayavarghiya a “big shot”. Obviously, he’s much lower than them down the pecking order, though the mind does boggle over how low the BJP can go. I’ve distracted myself.

Poha, and you may not know this if you are a pucca national, is dried flattened rice, available in half the various packaged churmura mixtures you get across India. Imagine the scope and reach of anti-Indian foodstuffs. Soaked flattened rice is transformed into a delicious breakfast dish with other urban Naxal ingredients like onions, potatoes (foreign) and curry patta (generally indecent and distinctly not North Indian), green chillies (foreign). When I lived in Mumbai it was one of my favourites because no one makes poha like the Maharashtrians. (Okay, let the fight begin.) We know, since the assembly elections in Maharashtra and various early morning fiddles to keep the state on the patriotic path, that Maharashtra alas is lost for now. No wonder minor big shot was so appalled to see labourers in Bengal eating unpatriotic poha.

And then, the worst thing of all, I love Biryani. This scrumptious mixture of rice and meat! It has foreign origins, you know, from “those” places. And now eaten and loved across India. Someone even did some completely evil survey to prove that Biryani is one of India’s favourite dishes: imagine how many anti-nationals we have roaming the streets! These Urban Naxals (and I am sure Rural Naxals also) fight endlessly about the kind of Biryani they like best: Avadhi, Hyderabadi, Kerala, Calcutta and such so you may imagine that Biryani being “non-veg” encourages “voilence”. You might even chuckle to yourself as a confirmed BJP patriot. But then the “Veg Biryani Brigade” enter the fray and they are very vicious, let me tell you, in their defence of their chosen Biryani minus any meat at all. Are peas, beans, carrots and cauliflower also anti-national? They must be!

Sadly, I admit, it is too late to do anything about myself. But for the rest of you, I offer hope so that you do not go down this path of degradation. Wear unstitched cloth (don’t even ask yourself where salwar kameez comes from) and eat cowdung washed down by gaumutra.

May the Farce be With you!