Reality Bites: Dance of ‘Democracy’ and ‘Defection’: Will those with cash again call the tune?

Show me an “honest” politician, and I’ll show you a magic trick: I will take wads of money from behind my ear, and that “honesty” will vanish with a POOF! The politician himself won’t turn into dust particles, though—he will merely morph into a money-swallowing monster and plague the nation.

The party with the largest number of money-swallowing monsters is the BJP, with Supreme Chanda Mama at the head. Which is why I’m wondering how come the drama of OBC ministers and MLAs resigning everyday hasn’t sent Supreme Chanda Mama’s sidekick, Humpty Dumpty Mama, rushing to Uttar Pradesh with bulging briefcases to buy them back?

We usually see footage of him waddling through airports whenever a steal-a-thon is in progress while Godi Media anchors cheer and call him a gorilla (King Kong). The next day, the 50-word edit hitman, Sicker Kofta, will write some incredible nonsense praising the lack of ethics in politics.

Now, much as I don’t wish to play wet blanket as the nation celebrates defections from the bigoted BJP, I have several theories on the subject:

1. No telltale briefcases are required this time as ATM cards of Chanda Mama’s favourite crony capitalists Moocash, Cowtum, and Rotten are probably already in UP. My Twitter buddy Vistasp Kaikobad is fervently hoping that the three cronies will finally gird their loins and change their PIN numbers. The nation is with him!

2. These defections may well have been engineered by the BJP to put Yogi Adityanath in his place. The monkey, oopsie, monk, wants to be CM again. Even worse, he aspires to be PM in 2024. We know how much Supreme Chanda Mama hates competition, so the best time to clip his wings is now!

   Remember, Supreme Chanda Mama is selfish at heart. His new house and new parliament building will be ready by 2024—think he’s going to graciously hand them over to someone else in his party without a dirty, filthy fight?

3. There’s this to consider too: If Supreme Chanda Mama’s party loses UP, all of the defectors may be bought back. If they put up a fight, they will be arrested. Same old, same old.

Now let’s look at political games playing out in other states that are going to the polls soon. In the North East, politicians from all parties continue to be dazzled by the BJP’s massive money power, so I don’t see any hope for the people of Manipur, the poor things.

It’s business as usual in Goa, where everyone switches sides in a sort of colourful Maypole dance, and in the end, most switch sides again to join the party that won, yawn. I’m so bored with the state of affairs, even the TMC’s sudden love for the Congress hasn’t left me shaken or stirred.

Do not wake me till poacher turned suitor Prashant Kishor shoves a rose between his teeth (thorns inside), and sings “I wanna hold your hand” to P Chidambaram and Rahul Gandhi on national television.

In Punjab, defectors aren’t buzzing towards former Congress CM Amarinder Singh’s new party yet. He’s like a despondent owner of a home-made jam stall in an English village fair, while the crowd rushes past him to the darts stall with Supreme Chanda Mama and Humpty Dumpty Mama on the target boards.

The most fascinating thing is the CM nominee fight in the Congress. Navjot Singh Sidhu has made no bones about the fact that he wants to be CM, but much to his horror, the current CM, Charanjit Channi, is winning hearts. I hope you haven’t finished your Lohri stash of popcorn yet.

AAP is too frightened to name a CM, so Kejriwal has done what they do in those puerile talent contests on TV—asked the public to phone in their favourite candidates. I’m sure a spot of manipulation will happen (AAP is not the BJP’s widdle brudder for nothing), and then if the muscular people of Punjab complain, puny Kejriwal can trot out his favourite crisis line: “I’m helpless, boo hoo.”

I have no idea what is happening in Uttarakhand. Everything has been overshadowed by chilling calls for genocide in Haridwar. I do hope normal people turn out to be better human beings than their religious leaders when votes are counted. Fingers crossed and sealed with superglue!

(Any resemblance with real people or events is a coincidence)