Reality Bites: Holidays and mummies

We are utterly confused because we don’t know who the real Mummy of the Nation is anymore. Going by the way he operates, the Diyar Leader will cry “Mummeeeeeeee!” and try to trip his competitor up

Reality Bites: Holidays and mummies

Rupa Gulab

It’s fascinating when leaders of western democratic countries share the stage with our Diyar Leader and speak about shared values of democracy with poker faces. I always wonder if they’re trying to stifle giggles, knowing what the world knows: That, under the Diyar Leader, India has slipped down the greasy pole of democracy, and is now classified as merely an electoral autocracy, not a truly democratic country.

The 2022 World Press Freedom Index notes that India has plummeted to 150 out of a total of 180, ouch! Knowing how servile India’s mainstream media is, channels like Repulsive TV, Slimes Now, India Toadie and oligarch Ambanivich’s Noose 18 must have thrown parties with gau mutra cocktails, and garlanded busts of the Diyar Leader. They so enjoy the rich rewards of apple-polishing.

The Diyar Leader was in Europe on World Press Freedom Day, but wasn’t pressed hard enough by his counterparts to observe it. What horrifies me most is when leaders of western democracies degrade their own democratic values by giving in to the Diyar Leader’s terrified bleats and banning questions at press conferences with him.

I shook my head sadly when Germany’s Chancellor Olaf Scholz did not take questions from reporters at a joint meeting, “reportedly at Modi's insistence”. The western media covering the event did object but they did not make a loud enough noise. Is the whole world giving up?

The Diyar Leader also met the leaders of Nordic countries, but the fact that Norway, Denmark and Sweden had bagged the top three positions in the Press Freedom Index did not make him blush. Well, I guess nothing can embarrass men who gaily wear monogrammed suits and funny hats.

While the leaders he met made sickly sweet diplomatic noises, they trolled him silently but very effectively. The venues for their meetings had huge portraits of India’s first prime minister Jawaharlal Nehru, the man the Diyar Leader blames for everything, including his prickly heat rash.

Indian embassies in the countries he visited had been working hard practising their dance steps and drumming in tune with the Diyar Leader blowing his own trumpet. Quite a little show they have there, trying to demonstrate to world leaders how popular the Diyar Leader is. ‘If it doesn’t come naturally, hire fancy event managers,’ is their mantra.

There were two distinct types of NRIs present: The NRIs at the venue were Sanghis or just greedy people who wanted free Indian snacks. Why on earth they greeted him with Indian culture is a mystery. Shouldn’t they have put up fusion performances instead, showing him how the culture they’ve adopted fits in beautifully with the culture they left behind—a tribute to both countries? Like performing the snake dance in Germany’s traditional lederhosen and dirndl outfits, for instance—a Bollywood sort of ‘Sound of Music’ affair.

Perhaps they’ve been warned that he’s like those boring desi uncles who only eat Indian food or reluctantly go to McDonald’s for fries when they travel abroad.

The NRIs outside the venue were normal people brandishing protest placards. The people at Doordarshan covered practically every second of the Diyar Leader’s trip—apart from his restroom visits and footage of the protestors. Pity they don’t have someone like Slimes Now’s Navika Bimar who announces to the world when Opposition leaders visit the loo.

Prasar Bharti removed any tweet or visual that demonstrated even mild criticism, or else their ears may have been boxed. A clip was hastily deleted from its Instagram account because you could hear calls of ‘Modi Modi Down Down’ as he inspected a guard of honour in Germany. Of course, the Diyar Leader pretended he didn’t hear them (he’s excellent at playing deaf), but we did!

Now that the Diyar Leader is back, expect a spot of excitement in India too. The chief minister of Uttar Pradesh has started taking camera crews with him too when he visits his mummy—a signal that the RSS still hopes he will step into the Diyar Leader’s designer shoes (the chaps have a massive mummy complex).

Now we are utterly confused because we don’t know who the real Mummy of the Nation is anymore. Going by the way he operates, the Diyar Leader will cry “Mummeeeeeeee!” and try to trip his competitor up. This should be fun to watch.

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)

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