‘Fake is fun, facts are not…isn’t that simple enough?’: From a VVIP’s diary

Anti-nationals thought I mispronounced Global as ‘Gobar’ but my followers know that I was speaking on globalising the cow dung. What I say is the truth and, as I said, fake is fun, facts are not <b></b>

Representative Image
Representative Image

Ranjona Banerji

Found these pages from a Diary of an Important Person.

Have had a most successful week. Gave a few speeches to world business leaders about “global” investment in natural gas for India. Those anti-nationals thought I said “gobar” and not ‘global’. Arrey, gobar gas, gutter gas, they have never heard of these or what? And the laugh is on them because as we know, ‘Gobar’ integration is vital for the increase of my fan base within and without India.

Very good news is that I got 60 million followers on Twitter. Although again some anti-nationals said that 60 per cent of those followers were fake. I don’t know what they mean. Fake is what has made us the most powerful party in India. Fake is fun.

Some other anti-nationals, there are just too many of them squawking everywhere these days, keep a count since the 21-day deadline to ending the virus I announced is now finished and the virus is still alive and agile. These critics are so stupid. They don’t even understand how my followers, fake and otherwise, think. Or rather, don’t think. My followers don’t care and can’t count. Once I say something, it is the truth.

I asked people to clang a thali for doctors, they banged them for India. I said sing for hospitals, they sang to the virus. They just do what I tell them and they don’t care if they even understand what I really said. They don’t need reasons. And so, if I said 21 days, they’ll automatically just add zeroes to the number. Even if the virus has not gone after 210,000 days, they will still love me.

Anyway, I don’t know what these anti-nationals expect me to do. There are so many more important matters I have to deal with. Elections in Bihar and Bengal, toppling governments in Madhya Pradesh, Rajasthan, maybe Maharashtra. I know people think this is all Amit Bhai’s job but I always keep an eye on him. This keeps me very busy.

Some of you might think that Xi Jinping is angry with me and all that. What is the difference? In spite of satellite pictures of Chinese troops moving here and there and retired armywallahs writing and talking, people believed me when I said China never entered India and I have fixed everything. They don’t care about facts. I don’t know why these anti-nationals cannot understand this. Facts are not important.

That’s why no one cares any more about 2014 promises. Vikas, Achche Din, Rs 15 lakh, black money, corruption, Demonetisation… those jokes are so over and forgotten. I never made any of those jokes in 2019. But still the people adored me for my sense of humour and voted for me. So many jokes I made in Gujarat in front of my friend Doland, sorry Donald. Plus, I invited that Brazilian chap to the Republic Day. Okay, that was a joke on India but still.

This economy-economy complaint also I don’t understand. What problems do we have with the economy? The party has more money now than it ever had before. Economy is booming. Nirmalaji also told me she has announced loans and all that for people with no money. I also remember I made some speech about free one-two kg rice-dal to some poor people. Completely free, no loan.

But my best news is that in August I’m off to Ayodhya to build a temple. So much planning since 1980s, rath yatra, demolition, riots. Cases for demolition are against others, not me, so I can take full credit and become hero again! And now, thanks to courts and all, full work is ready to begin.

Outfit has been ordered, maybe full orange, maybe nice bandhani chunni-mask. Beard is growing well. Some people, they are comparing me to some Tagur and some Shivaji Maharaj. Bengal and Maharashtra are next, I told you. Speech I have to write still. But what I say, what does it matter. I am the world’s greatest “orator”. I can just say what I want, maybe “gobar gobar gobar” and people will go ‘Wah, wah, masterstroke”.

Also, virus figures are going up and up. Why should that Doland, sorry Donald get all the credit? We can also do in India anything America does. Anything goes wrong, we can blame state governments, except those we have toppled.

So excited.

We have so much more Gobar planned for India, wait and watch.

(Any resemblance to any existing diary is a coincidence)

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