Hanuman & tunnel vision: PM plans a tunnel from home to office 

I’m typing this at 3 pm on the 8th of February, the day Delhi goes to the polls. Till late afternoon Delhi seemed reluctant to vote. News channels worked themselves into a lather over the low voter turnout, and their panelists trotted out reasons for this, starting from “there’s no anti-incumbency vote” to “it was very cold in the morning” (clearly some of the panelists have internalised the utterances of former CJI Ranjan Gogoi).

They were dead wrong. The real reason why many Delhiwallas did not step out of their homes to vote is because they thought the elections were happening in Pakistan, and who can blame them—BJP biggies like Termite Man and Blanket Chor mentioned Pakistan so often in their election rallies! It was only later in the evening that Delhiwallas realised their mistake and rushed out to the booths, whew. The final voter turnout was a little over 62 percent.

By the time you read this, the results will be out. Going by exit poll guesstimates, Arvind Kejriwal (AK) will be sworn in as Chief Minister. We will probably hear him recite the Hanuman Chalisa yet again—his favourite childhood party trick. Then, with moist eyes we will watch him pray at a temple again too. We’re so blessed, innit?

The night before the elections, AK posted a tweet in which he claimed that Hanuman (gasp) spoke to him at the mandir in Connaught Place, praised him lavishly and wished him all the best. I hope AK takes a camera crew on his thank you visit— if we’re lucky, we may hear Hanuman’s voice on national TV! I just cannot wait for this. Also, I hope this time Hanuman gives AK the moral courage to go to Shaheen Bagh and/or other anti-CAA protests for the very first time.

However, if the BJP plays its usual dirty tricks, an AK-47 (hoisted on a BJP gunman’s shoulder) will be sworn in, and then sworn at by citizens. I clearly remember what happened during the 2019 general elections: we saw footage of EVMs being taken to shady hotel rooms and for long breezy drives in the dead of night. God knows what happened, but the election results were unbelievable.

What was far more unbelievable was the silence from Opposition parties. Even when they did try to raise the issue, India’s bossy news anchors and some prissy editors shut them up and insisted that EVMs cannot be tampered with. Like hell they can’t!

The biggest tragedy is, even if AK or an AK-47 is the chief minister of Delhi, the city will never be the same again. A lot has changed after the BJP’s poisonous campaign.

Delhi’s physical landscape will be changed soon as well to reflect this unhealthy new mindset. The BJP plans to tear down a 3 km chunk of Central Delhi from Rashtrapati Bhawan to India Gate.

This includes Parliament building, the Secretariat and Central Vista. It will be tragic to see Lutyens’ grand old Delhi turned into rubble—history is being erased in front of our eyes. Incidentally, the estimated cost of the new project is upwards of Rs 25,000 crore, so it’s fair to ask where exactly the money is coming from.

In keeping with the sinister ideology of the RSS, a paranoid Nazi touch has been added too. The Deccan Herald recently reported that there will be a tunnel from PM’s residence to Parliament (which he rarely visits). And quite possibly tunnels leading to the airport (fun fact: Hitler kept all his escape routes open via tunnels).

Also, business buddies who do not wish to repay massive bank loans can slink through this exit route to fly to London or Ecuador, hooray.

Those tunnels are also useful for other reasons:

1. They will keep the nasty Sun from ruining the pampered skin.

2. The tunnels will probably be lined with air purifiers, so it won’t matter if lowly citizens are gasping for breath above. The Emperor will get his oxygen, goli maaro to the rest.

3. Tunnels are great for if and when there’s a war. We will be praising him as our saviour and singing patriotic songs above as we’re bombed, while he and his acolytes will be safe and sound underground singing “Goli maaro ##&*,!! ko.”