Modi Ji and his merry band of ministers: We laugh at them when we should be crying for help!

How do you feel after watching the impeachment probe kick off in the United States of America, and the manner in which the Brexit saga is unfolding in the United Kingdom with the judiciary fearlessly flaunting its independence, and the Tories nobly refraining themselves from arm-twisting, blackmailing or bribing MPs from other parties for votes in Parliament?

I experienced a delicious thrill of shock and awe as Donald had to duck, and Boris got squished like a spider. And then I felt helplessly third world—our democracy currently seems like a cheap knock off, like a fake Gucci bag at Karol Bagh.

It didn’t take an amendment to the Constitution to slyly kick out democracy in India, just like it didn’t take an amendment to downgrade the state of J&K to a Union Territory guarded by armed soldiers 24x7. A few peculiar men had a private chat over dhoklas and gaumutra, and that was that.

Since a state of Emergency hasn’t been officially declared yet, it’s safe to say that India is now the world’s largest kakistocracy instead: a system of government that is run by the least qualified or most unprincipled citizens.

Let’s start with Kaka: We have a leader who sometimes thinks he’s the leader of the Opposition party in Pakistan, and sometimes behaves like he’s the leader of the Opposition party in India. He also has severe abandonment issues, which is why he probably clings to world leaders like a limpet — surely not all of them use Axe deodorant?

He’s very lonely, and while it’s sad that he regrets not having any children of his own, it is outrageous that he has urged his ministers and the US president to insist that we call him daddy — India already has a father and we love him much more, thank you!

Our Home Minister has weird delusions that the country is teeming with termites and other insects, and sometimes the poor chap feels them crawling all over his body. Either he should buy himself a good quality lice comb, or stop consuming fun stuff meant for kanwariyas.

When he’s not scratching himself with his RSS lathi, he’s sending love letters to judges in sealed envelopes with messages like, “See you at your morning walk tomorrow, sweetheart.”

As for the Finance Minister, why, even Class 1 back-benchers would never ask her to help them with their maths homework. It’s not remotely surprising that Kaka has locked up a former finance minister from a rival party who did a far better job than any of the people he handpicked for the job. Jail without bail, at that! This is Kaka’s standard way of telling us, “There! Now you have no choice but to settle for my idiots, so shut up and stop moaning about the economy.”

The Railway Minister thinks he’s smarter than Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein (or is it Albert Newton and Isaac Einstein or, um, Newton Einstein or Einstein Newton?). He also has nothing but contempt for every Indian economist who has won the Nobel prize (none support his party, ha ha), and he does not hold back from trashing them. He may have a point about being far more eligible for the Nobel, though: see, there are serious allegations that he turned the home minister’s son’s failing company around. In less than a year, the turnover jumped from a humble Rs. 50,000 to a stunning 80 crores!

If this minister actually sits down and writes a book on how he swung this miracle, perhaps he would win many prestigious international awards too? So, where’s that book, ‘The Son Rises’—what exactly is holding him back from writing it? And hello, why is Kaka urging us to sell pakodas on footpaths when he has such a brilliant wealth creator in his cabinet?

The Law Minister believes that success at the box office is a better reflection of the economy than the state of the auto sector.

The External Affairs Minister has so far proved that he’s superb at event management, and not much else. These, ladies and gentlemen, are the stars of India’s Cabinet. I could tell you about the shortcomings of the rest of them, but I don’t want to cry myself to sleep.

Thanks to Kaka’s kakistocracy, Indian citizens are gradually becoming as fuzzy-headed as the government.

We laugh at his ministers, when we really should be crying for help!