Son of a gun to meet ‘mother’s son’: Came Cho Donald Trump, asks Rupa Gulab

Our Dear Leader is in seventh heaven as US President Donald Trump has agreed to launch a cricket stadium in Gujarat this month (so much more impressive than a mere cricket or Bollywood star cutting the ribbon, no?).

Sewing machines are humming furiously and churning out his shiny Desi Elvis clothes, laser machines are smoothing out his wrinkles and blemishes, hair stylists are trying flirty new ways to sweep over bald patches, manicurists and pedicurists are breaking their backs, and all his ministers are doing their usual tel-maalish.

His multiple PR agencies are working 24x7 to ensure that Trump goes back with a pretty photoshopped version of India. A wall is being built to hide a slum that falls on Trump’s route to the stadium, over 3.7 crores have been spent on flowers to disguise the smells of India, and 1.25 lakh cheerleaders have been invited to chant “Modi! Modi! Modi!” It’s safe to assume that the cheerleaders have been advised by the Ministry of Ayush to gargle thrice a day with warm salt water. The scary Home Minister must be shouting “goli maaro” frequently to remind them to take their Vicks ki goli (or any equivalent throat lozenge from Patanjali).

It is vitally important that their cries of “Modi! Modi! Modi!” ring out loud and clear. If Trump doesn’t go back with an inferiority complex about his relatively laid back and low decibel supporters in the US, all would have failed, and the Home Minister may well recommend a different type of “goli” for the cheerleaders—the sort his party strongly recommends for students and protestors in India.

Meanwhile, the External Affairs Minister is doing a fairly decent impersonation of the harassed White Rabbit in ‘Alice in Wonderland’, dashing off all over the globe to assure world leaders that torturing Indians, incarcerating them, and sending minorities and dissenters to detention camps/jails are truly democratic actions indeed.

Hats off to him because even though he’s jet-lagged, he still finds the time to decorate the cricket stadium with colourful streamers, and check the flower arrangements along the route too. I do hope the Sangh Parivar’s Poet Laureate Prasoon Joshi tenderly asks him why he works even harder than the Dear Leader.

Critic though I may be, I do marvel at the way he has foreign envoys in India eating out of his hand. A third J&K junket was organised for them and their suitcases were packed with Hawaiian shirts, floaters and designer shades for shikara rides, and pants with elasticated waist bands for lavish wazwans.

Although many of Kashmir’s political leaders are still detained (now under the creepy Public Safety Act), the envoys didn’t appear to see it as a blot on democracy. They met government stooges who assured them that all was well, so they dutifully reported that all was well, though they did admit that internet services needed to be restored (no one likes it when they can’t post holiday pictures on social media, especially when they’re comparing Srinagar to Venice). We are ever so grateful for that concession.

German envoy Walter Lindner was interviewed on his return and he dramatically recoiled at the word “junket” and pooh-poohed the very notion that he had just done a Potemkin village-type tour of J&K. His “all is normal” claims flew in his face soon after because yet another prominent Kashmiri, Shah Faesal, was slapped with the PSA, and something crazy happened to Congress Leader Mani Shankar Aiyer in Srinagar.

Mehbooba Mufti’s daughter Iltija tweeted, “A day after GOI claimed opposition members could visit J&K, Congress leader Mani Shankar Aiyar was stopped from leaving his hotel on the pretext of Section 144. Why is Section 144 invoked for even solitary Indian leaders while groups of foreign envoys are given a free ride? Abnormal is the new normal.”

The PSA dossier lists the weirdest of charges ever: Omar Abdullah has been accused of encouraging people to vote even during the peak of militancy, and equally silly charges have been made against Mehbooba Mufti, the most staggering of which is, she’s wicked because she’s a “Daddy’s girl.” This made many women tremble with fear. The tension was broken when someone on Twitter pointed out that Bollywood star Priyanka Chopra has “Daddy’s Lil Girl” tattooed on her arm. This means she will probably be the next person arrested.

We can relax till then, whew.