Unicorns do not want roadside pakodas made with nullah methane

Slowly, creeping around the undergrowth of India’s consciousness, conversations about our flailing economy have begun.

Let’s take those mythical unicorns. These internet start-ups are presented as massive money spinners and job creators. They are the cutting edge of new digital lifestyles. They place India at the heart of the new tech world.

In his monthly 'Mann ki Baat' radio broadcast, Prime Minister Narendra Modi on Sunday (May 29) claimed that even during the Covid pandemic, Indian start-ups have been creating wealth and value.

The prime minister said that this month the number of unicorns in India reached the 100 mark.

"The total valuation of these unicorns is more than USD 330 billion, that is, more than 25 lakh crore rupees. Certainly, this is a matter of pride for every Indian," he said.

Those who dare to dig deeper into the rah-rah narrative pushed by the Narendra Modi government and its captive media houses find that the reality does not match the hoopla. As we celebrate India’s 100th unicorn, we learn that out of 100 only 23 have figured out how to be profitable.

The business press confounds people with words like unicorn, venture, angel, meta, and so on. Unicorns get their money from angels and adventurers based on a good idea and a tech delivery system. This is as I understand it. Although angels are not angels and unicorns are not unicorns and only venture capitalists are adventurous capital providers.

Getting the money is the story, or that’s what we’re sold anyway. Once the money is got, the story is ignored, especially if 70% of these mythical one-horned flying horses don’t make it off the ground.

According to analysts who prefer to err on the side of the truth, collapse is inevitable if you don’t have a product that your target market needs or wants or can be persuaded to need or want.

According to the CEO of a stockbroking platform, there is a mismatch between the size of India’s fintech user base and money raised from the market by start-ups: the dream is three times the size of the reality. In starker terms, start-ups do not have proper or realistic products or business plans and thus failure is inevitable when success is based on hype.

Meanwhile, auto MNCs have quit India over the past five years and this had left at least 64000 Indians jobless. Not to mention the domino effect on the subsidiary businesses that develop around MNCs. Experts claim this is because MNCs have no loyalty to place, or more seriously because of India’s taxation policies and government roadblocks.

It’s not just auto companies. Telecom, banks, energy companies have also departed, many over the last year.

Holcim, the Swiss cement giant’s departure has not been discussed as it should, although there will be repercussions on the ground. As it is, Foreign Portfolio Investors have pulled out $10 billion between 2021 and 2022.

The government story however remains that all is well, with massive promises of an economy worth trillions of dollars somewhere in the future. We must all bow down to the Mighty Modi who has made all this possible. He does it just by being, his very existence has taken India to new heights.

Anyone who contests this is a shameless liar, an anti-national no-gooder, a traitor, a turncoat, a disgusting quisling.

Under the Mighty One’s careful watch, millions lost their livelihoods thanks to decision to demonetise 87% of India’s legal tender in one fell swoop. Small and medium enterprises have not yet recovered from that day in November 2016. And a few months later, the new regime of goods and services taxation finished off whoever managed to keep their head above the water. Demonetisation is buried under temples and hatred, but it remains the first taste of the massive disasters that Modi unleashed on India.

Fluctuating fuel prices, the pandemic and the Ukraine invasion all underlined just how unprepared the Mighty Modi and his Hindu-centric administration has been for anything except increasing Islamophobia.

Our Union finance minister, under the able guidance of the prime minister, reminds us time and again of her government’s incompetence. Onion prices do not matter because she does not eat onions, fuel prices do not matter because she does not drive and so on. That a seemingly intelligent person is forced to resort to such excuses only underlines the hollowness of this government.

Even if you cannot or will not understand the variations of the market and of business interests, you do know from your “lived experience” as the current term goes just how badly off we all are.

Joblessness is on the rise, and employment figures are down. Millions of women have dropped out of the job market, agriculture is a mess even as we have forgotten that farmers sat on the roads for over a year trying to save themselves.

We’re left with Modi’s advice to make pakodas – his great suggestion to make us “self-sufficient”. Even tagged with his other grand idea to use gas from the gutters of India to cook, there is no money in the market to buy thanks to rising inflation. Unicorns do not want roadside pakodas made with escaping methane.

Do you?

(Ranjona Banerji is a senior journalist. Views are personal)