Reality Bites: The ‘unfathomable’ wisdom of Maa Prem Nimmo

Forget old Babas and Sri Sris, seek the blessings of sweet and eloquent Maa Prem Nimmo, the gems of whose wisdom include ‘Rupee has not collapsed, it is finding its own course’, & ‘I don’t eat onion’

FM Nirmala Sitharaman speaks in Lok Sabha
FM Nirmala Sitharaman speaks in Lok Sabha

Rupa Gulab

All the Babas and Sri Sris who enthusiastically swore in 2014 that if the Diyar Leader became prime minister, the Indian rupee would be 40 to a US dollar have been proved horribly wrong. Their lips were sewn shut with twine when the rupee breached 80 to a dollar, and I think I know who ordered the stitching up, but I’m not telling!

I’m surprised these Babas and Sri Sris still have followers left, considering their dodgy prediction skills. I recommend a new guru for their disillusioned followers.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Maa Prem Nimmo. She is beautifully eloquent and says deep and meaningless things like, “Indian Rupee has not collapsed, it is finding its own course.” Such a comforting statement, no? I urge Maa Prem Nimmo to set up an ashram immediately—she may do a better job of it than she does as finance minister.

Our home minister, however, is a very pragmatic, non-spiritual man. When he’s not trying to topple state governments, spying on citizens, and setting cops on people who disagree with him (among other things), he’s singing for his supper by praising the Diyar Leader so lavishly, that I fear he’s running out of superlatives and even basic words.

I mean, look at his recent statement: The Diyar Leader “gave an all-inclusive and all reaching government in the last eight years.” What more can one say after that?

It seems like he’s trying hard to convince his party’s mummy-daddy organisation to look no further than the Diyar Leader for 2024. He doesn’t have to convince us, because he’s already sweetly persuaded the media to sell the Diyar Leader to us, or else.

Look at how the mainstream media has carefully brushed the 5G non-bonanza under the carpet. It’s a non-issue for them despite the fact that the government bragged that it expected to raise 5 to 6 lakh crore from 5G auctions, but the final collections amounted to a paltry sum of 1.5 lakh crore.

Remember the media’s hysterics over former telecom minister A Raja who was investigated and arrested for the grant of 2G spectrum licences in 2007 and finally released after months? Then the media pretended that former CAG Vinod Rai who gravely said there was a “notional loss” was God.

After the UPA lost power, Rai’s career graph soared like a rocket because the rewards he got from the Diyar Leader were tremendous. Last heard of, Rai went private and the Indian media’s gem now works for a jeweller. His bosses should be warned: I predict that his opinions must be the least valuable thing in the shop—rest assured I’m better at predictions than Babas and Sri Sris.

The mainstream media has completely ignored the all important question raised by A Raja after the pathetic 5G collections: “Where has the money gone? Where has the mistake taken place? This current government should investigate this.”

Our journalists would much rather spend quality time debating a Bollywood star’s posterior rather than actually doing their jobs by cornering Rai and asking what he thinks of the 5G auction.

Perhaps our beloved Maa Prem Nimmo would reassuringly say, “The media hasn’t fallen, it’s just lying down.” My advice however is that since the mainstream media has switched off, you may as well switch it off forever.

I’d like to end with a question for the Diyar Leader: Where’s the “Amrit” and the “Azadi” in the Government of India’s Azadi Ka Amrit Mahotsav? I have looked very hard but I cannot spot a drop of sweetness or a wisp of freedom in anything his government has done.

Human rights activists and citizens who speak about peace, harmony and pluralism are languishing in jails. Opposition parties that do not bow down to the Diyar Leader are harassed and plundered. As I type this, the West Bengal chief minister has been summoned by the Diyar Leader. The lady who projects herself as a tigress will be offered sweet tea and a sweet deal, I gather. Within the next few days we will discover if she’s chosen to purr or roar.

This destruction of democracy is happening as the Azadi mahotsav reaches its climax. All it amounts to is a tacky pantomime that thumbs its nose at freedom and democracy. Enough of this synthetic patriotism, bring the real thing back!

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)

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