Reality Bites: ‘Ab Ki Baar Biden Sarkar’ but why doesn’t he hug Indian President?

What can you give a man who has already got everything he wants from public funds, like stadiums, planes, houses, offices (he gets his ministers and sycophants to insist that he needs such things or India will collapse). It must have been quite a challenge to figure out what to give the Dear Leader for his 71st birthday.

The BJP lot in Tamil Nadu put 71 giant fish on display. I don’t know which species, but man-eating sharks and piranhas would have been appropriate. Toxic Puffer fish would have been the icing on his birthday cake because they also self-inflate in quite the same manner. There’s a difference, though: Puffer fish only inflate when they are in danger, he does it 24x7.

Priyanka Sahani, an artist I’ve never heard of, created an 8 ft-long portrait of the Dear Leader using only food grains. I suppose he can eat it when he gets hungry. The BJP suddenly ramped up Covid-19 vaccinations in the run up to 17th September, to achieve the target of 2 crore jabs on his birthday.

They apparently achieved 2.5 Crore jabs, see! Underwhelming because when you look at the population of India, it’s just a drop in the ocean. As former AAP chap Ashutosh said, “This is an attempt to turn a spectacular failure into a spectacular success through a spectacular event.”

Somewhere in Gujarat, a new “forest” was created in his name and 2000 trees were planted as a happy birthday present. Why not 71,000 trees—does everyone in the BJP suck at maths? Besides, 2000 trees are just a walk in the park and the likes of Hansel and Gretel won’t need to scatter breadcrumbs in case they lose their way!

I wouldn’t set much store by this “forest” however, because everyone knows that even before these saplings reach bush-size, he will sell it to some crony or the other. Money is a far more useful birthday present, after all.

Incidentally, I’m not the only person in the nation who thinks that these birthday presents, including the usual outlandish cakes (shaped like Covid-19 vaccine bottles this time), were boring—the Dear Leader was unimpressed too, because his party pays PR companies good money to generate these silly gimmicks!

There is only one birthday present he loved with all his heart, liver, kidneys, lungs, gall bladder, etc—and that’s the one Jaishankar, the External Affairs minister, gave him. Canny Jaishankar knows that all the Dear Leader wants is invitations to the White House, and money cannot buy those!

He wants thousands of photographs with US presidents, where he poses with great deliberation. His favourite pose is where he tosses his head back and laughs hysterically at anything they say—just like a silly young thing who is trying to suck up to a potential boyfriend.

Jaishankar got down on his bruised knees and begged and pleaded with the Biden administration to invite the Dear Leader over. Biden finally succumbed and D-Day is 24th September. So do not turn Indian news channels on that day unless you enjoy seeing news anchors embarrassing themselves by wittering on about “personal chemistry”. I certainly won’t.

I feel dreadfully ashamed watching the Dear Leader artistically draping himself over US Presidents, or winding his arms around their necks and dangling like a gigantic pendant. The nation is hopeful that with Covid restrictions, the Dear Leader will have to hold back from his effusive hugs, and the nation gleefully suspects that the Dear Leader is practicing elbow bumps in front of his floor-to-ceiling mirror. The nation is also going “Ew, ew ew,” at the thought that elbow bumps may be the headlines in national dailies.

I have a small but important question: Why is it that the Dear Leader doesn’t hug the President of India and pose for pictures with him while laughing and simpering like he’s his bestie too? Indians aren’t good enough for him, is it?

Now back to his eagerly anticipated meeting with President Joe Biden: While the meeting is on Quad, and the Dear Leader will have to share the spotlight with the leaders of Japan and Australia, you can rest assured he will milk it to the maximum. I suppose this is what happens to people who hang around cow sheds for the greater part of their lives.

(Any resemblance to real people or events is a coincidence)