Low on oil, but we have plenty of gas!

I can't be sure, but I'm fairly positive that the most Googled word this fortnight was 'gas', thanks to the Gulf conflict and the shortages of said element in India. Now, one would have expected that, given our rulers — politicians, bureaucrats, judges — are so full of gas, there would never be a shortage of it here, but apparently there was, notwithstanding the denials by Epstein's buddy.

This has led to a veritable  explosion of memes and wisecracks on social media on the subject, sparing not even our revered prime minister's enviable grasp of science. And when one speaks of gas in India, can the malodorous subject of flatulence be left unaddressed?

So this week, I've decided to develop further the spark of scientific genius ignited by our PM and explore more deeply the subject of gas, or to be precise, its by-product — flatulence.

And I'm amazed at how well researched this subject is! Did you know, for example, that research has established that farting is a natural and healthy process, a voiding of the by-products of digestion, just as the gas flares in a petroleum refinery? That one should fart at least 32 times a day? Less, and your gut microbes are not functioning at optimum level; more, and your digestive system is being asked to process more than it can handle. Overload, much to the discomfort of those sitting next to you, as Trump's advisors frequently discover.

But here's the interesting thought: can you even imagine the volume of gas Indians produce? 1,400 million expelling gas 32 times a day! Why, if we could only tap it, we could forget about the Strait of Hormuz or even the need for the strategic reserve Mani Shankar Aiyer is critical of! We could become atmanirbhar on a colossal scale.

All we have to do now is to make use of Mr Modi's untapped scientific potential, and leave the rest to Nutty Aayog. In fact, I believe the government is already moving in this direction — according to WhatsApp university, it has banned the production/sale of digestive tablets and syrups in order to increase the production of HPG (Human Produced Gas).

Anyone who refuses to produce HPG can now be arrested under the Essential Commodities Act. Way to go, Mr Puri, I always had a, well, gut feeling that you could do it when it came to the crunch, or gripe! 

Wait, there's more. Studies by John Hopkins University indicate two important benefits of flatulence. One, passing gas frequently is good for your circulatory system as it releases pressure on it. Two, HPG contains hydrogen sulphide, produced by the action of gut bacteria.

This gas plays a vital role in maintaining normal blood pressure; it causes the arteries to dilate, letting blood circulate more freely, reducing pressure on the arteries and providing protection against hyper-tension, strokes, heart-attacks and kidney diseases. Now I realise why some of the healthiest people I know are ones who pass gas with the frequency of an AK-47, and just as loudly!

Ever wondered why our politicians enjoy such longevity — they just keep going on and on — rivalling the life spans of tortoises? Well, the answer to that too lies in gas — specifically in the padyatras they regularly perform (the word 'pad' has a distinctly gaseous meaning in Hindi, but we'll stick to its literal English translation — a 'walking tour').

These can be categorised as 'Fart Walks'. According to an article by Kirtika Katira in WION dated 6 July 2024, Fart Walks is the latest fitness trend which has taken TikTok by storm. Essentially a post-prandial/dinner walk of about 30 minutes, it is the panacea for bloating, indigestion, gas, heartburn, diabetes and blood pressure. It does so by helping food motility — the process of moving food from the stomach to the intestines, where it is quickly digested and absorbed.

The accelerated (by walking) process releases a lot of gas which has to be expelled. As the name suggests, Fart Walks are not meant for conversation but for some serious farting. Now you know why our padyatra-addicted politicians live so long. This may also explain Rahul Gandhi's sudden bulging biceps!

So the next time you take an after-dinner stroll, dear reader, and pass an old gentleman sputtering along, emitting subdued explosive sounds like the misfiring piston of an old scooter, don't be alarmed. Doff your cap politely to him and walk on with your nostrils shut. That old geezer might be me!

Views are personal. More of the writer's works can be read here

Avay Shukla is a retired IAS officer and author of Holy Cows and Loose Cannons — the Duffer Zone Chronicles and other works. He blogs at avayshukla.blogspot.com